I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
