i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
