Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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