and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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