When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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