I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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