someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
