NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
