Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
