Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
