I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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