you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Come on in and take your pants off
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
