I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Im part way to drunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
