Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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