I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
