I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize