I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
