1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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