when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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