Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
not ubering you a puppy
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
