wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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