someone threw a dead crab at me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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