i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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