if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
