no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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