soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
