Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize