that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
