When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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