I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
