she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
