You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
