sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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