An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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