surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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