1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize