I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
