Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
