Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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