I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
