sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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