WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize