Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
