The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
