so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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