And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
