woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
