the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
