mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize