It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
