ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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