I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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