Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
