I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
