Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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