So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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