I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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